By Stacy Walker, Guest Contributor
All opinions expressed in this article are the sole perception/experience of the writer, and may not necessarily be shared by Michelle Lewis – The Blessings Butterfly. All Rights Reserved.
It’s been just over five years, five years since I’ve had any intimacy. No sex, no kissing and no cuddles.
This wasn’t initially my decision, and at first for a long while, I’ll be honest it felt like a slow torturous death for me. Because in many ways it was. Most of the suffering starting out was because it wasn’t my choice. But I was the one that actually initiated it, without realizing at first.
I am a very physical woman, touch is my life force recharge. I love to have sex, and wanted it often, like at least every few days often, if not more. After my first divorce I refrained for a while, but once I reopened myself to it, the flood gates opened. They opened to a dangerous proportion.
I wasn’t reckless with situations, but I did quickly align myself with someone else who used sex as a distraction and addiction. The two of us getting together on weekends was a blur of sweat and showers. Often times topping off at twenty plus rounds in a weekend. It was quickly going from unleashing my sexual goddess and experiencing the best orgasms of my life, to numbing out and not being able to get enough.
Looking back on this and the one eighty turn I did after a few months of this indulgence, is an obvious intervention of the Divine.
It was during my birthday dinner with a long table of my new friends, that I got the ping. The notification that would launch my Soul into a long and tumultuous journey. It was my next ex husband messaging me via match.com. And my universe instantly shifted. So much so that within the first week of communication with this new man, I abruptly ended it with my recent sex companion. Cold stop. Which is now ironic, because as it turns out, that would be the last occasion for me to actually have a more functional sex life, as dysfunctional as it was. That was nearly ten years ago.
After a few weeks of corresponding with my now recent ex husband, we decided to meet in person. I was immediately enthralled with him. And when we said goodbye and he kissed me at my car, there in the late afternoon sun, the earth and my world shifted. For the first time in my life since I was a little girl, I was acutely aware of the dramatic change in the air and atmosphere around me, and within me. I knew in that instant that my life was about to radically change, and it did.
I was enraptured with this man, so much that I didn’t even notice at first that he wasn’t reciprocating any sexual body language. That he was actually just going through the motions and leaned heavily on his ability to dazzle me with his words and kissing. I was in it for the long haul, it was a spell, a spell as it turns out that my Soul had orchestrated. And that the energy shift I felt when he first kissed me was our Souls reigniting a long standing contract, one that now needed completion, and was necessary to launch me into a long initiation into the dark night of my own Soul. So that I could be the anchored and authentic Soul Guide I am now.
Sex was complicated from the start, he was always scrambling to avoid it, and I was always desperately wanting it, with him. Because I was so wildly attracted to him like I have never been with a man before, yet he kept me at an arms length. At first it was all about excuses and philosophies about wanting it to be different this time, and needing to still heal from ex’s cheating on him, etc. All the while talking about and flaunting his sexual experiences with others, and still showing obvious signs of being a womanizer. So many red flags, one after another after another. It was quickly becoming a mine field of red that no one could navigate. Yet I stayed.
It was like I had no choice, for the first time in my life I was going head first into something that made no sense, all I could do was feel. Feel the potential and feel the activation I felt in my entire body even just thinking of him. Which of course was just a new addiction. But also more, because my Soul actually was inviting me to see this through and to initiate my spiritual awakening. We did occasionally have sex, and with my level of attraction and addiction for all things him, I didn’t even notice how dysfunctional and lacking it really was. I was so far gone that the slightest crumb of affection and touch was all I needed, while pining and obsessing the entire time in between occasions, as to when I would get more. He was literally starving me sexually, which led to his ability to control me. This was his Souls ‘in’, in this contract playing out between us.
By the time his behavior shifted from this repeating cycle between just us to taking his toxic behavior outside of our relationship and using other women to hurt me, I was too far gone.
Coming to the Surface
The story that played out between us is an entire novel, a novel of Souls, shadows, victimhood, and eroticized wounds. We eventually married, which is when the sex dried up even more, from once or twice per month, to once every two months. But I was content suddenly, because he was finally ‘mine’ and he was content in knowing he ‘had’ me. So I relaxed into this new rhythm for a while, until just a few weeks before our one year anniversary when I took a trip to the beach with friends.
There on the beach at sunrise one morning I asked my friend to help me pray for healing between my husband and I, and for our sexual healing. This is the moment that I initiated the ending of my sex life (for now), and my journey into celibacy, without even realizing it. Because what we are praying for often shows up differently than we think it should, than we initially want it to. That what we are actually praying for is at the core of what we are wanting help with, but not at the surface level frustration of it, but at the root cause and ultimate healing of it.
As it turns out the last time my husband and I had sex before my trip, would be the last time we had sex. On that beach, I had an additional silent prayer, a shift within me, that I never wanted to have to fight for or beg my husband to have sex with me again. What I thought I was asking for was his healing, his emotional capacity to open, and for me to finally have the intimacy with him I so desperately craved. But ‘our’ sexual healing would not be the healing between us and our ability to come together in better harmony. It was to be a separate healing journey, one that would take us both by surprise, and yet not surprise.
A few months had passed after that prayer, and I was beginning to suffer the death of my sex life, this is not what I wanted, this is not what I asked for, and this wasn’t fair. I tortured myself with what might have gone wrong, what did I say or do wrong. I became resentful and sure I was secretly being punished somehow. I even secretly resented my friend at first, because I thought maybe she did something wrong in the prayer. I had after all just only recently started praying again after giving it up most of my life due to religious trauma, and I had counted on her to guide me, which was just more victim coming to the surface for me to heal.
I spent the next year suffering, I spent it angry and confused. All the while my husband felt more relaxed and calmer than I had ever seen him. But I never begged or tried to seduce him into being with me. I decided to follow his cue to truly heal this and to feel less dysfunctional with our sexuality. As dysfunctional as it was for newlyweds to not have a sexual relationship between them, it was less dysfunctional than our previous way of dealing with it through arguing. So I allowed it space, and in this space I found clarity. Clarity not only between us, but in myself and the reawakening into my psychic gifts. Gifts that I had closed off since I was a little girl, out of self preservation and safety. Safety from other people, not from the spirits that were constantly around me. And through this psychic reawakening, I also experienced my spiritual awakening.
Two years had passed and I was deep into my own personal healing and Soul journey. And things between us relaxed and even became sweeter than I had ever expected, we found harmony in this new space of celibacy and calm. That my old tendencies to lean too hard into my sexual desires, and his old tendencies to avoid it by ironically playing the part of womanizer, stopped. The smoke had cleared for both of us. Here we temporarily found peace, a breather. And here is where truth could finally come through, for both of us, and between us. This was the agreement our Souls had made that sunny afternoon when we kissed next to my car.
A few more months into this two year journey had gone by when the biggest truth came through. I was finishing up some laundry and noticed a rubber band that had fallen out of his pants pocket. In that moment everything flashed before me, our history, his history, and his truth. In that moment I knew that his rejection of me sexually, was never about me. It was never about me not being good enough, or sexy enough or even young enough. It was solely about him and what he didn’t even know about himself. That I wasn’t actually aligned with his true sexual orientation. And that none of the women that he desperately flaunted were. It was all so clear. All of it.
The depth of compassion and heartache that immediately flowed through me took me to my knees, I didn’t think of myself. I thought of him and how tortured he must have been his entire life. And I wept. Then I made a new internal vow. Knowing that ultimately our marriage had to end, and that we both needed to live lives that honored our genuine needs. It took another three years, three years of compassion, grace and continued celibacy to steer us towards this ending. It nearly killed me. But I held the container and the space within it for us to come through a new depth of even greater harmony and truth. I poured absolute unconditional love into this man, I showed him the utmost compassion and understanding, and I held the space for him to eventually realize for himself what his truth is, and to find peace within himself.
That this space of celibacy between us enabled him to heal into his truth, and to start to heal a lifetime of wounds around it, and it enabled me to heal years of sexual and psychic trauma too. I am incredibly grateful for this experience between us, I consider it to have truly saved me, although it nearly killed me too, it ultimately did save me. It thrust me into a massive awakening and into the gifts I have carried for lifetimes, waiting to be embodied and used to serve others through, starting with myself and my recent now ex husband.
I am still currently celibate, as I am walking myself through the grieving of finally closing out this Soul agreement between us. Still unraveling the threads that kept me so closely bound for so long. Recognizing now that the intense passion I felt for him was the eroticization of my old wounds, lifetimes of wounds, being touched, triggered and activated for the purpose of healing and integrating. And that the level of intensity I had felt for so long was only a reflection of the intensity of my wounding, and the desperate plea for it to be met and healed.
In the months since this conscious uncoupling, so much has been revealed to me about the masculine and feminine energies within each of us, and between us. Regardless of how we identify, that these energies when brought into harmony through the healing of the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine within us individually, can create Divine Union between us as partners. That we can disarm the eroticized wounds and roles as victims, and embark on the hero’s journey into conscious co-creation. That conscious or even unplanned celibacy can both create a space for clarity and truth, a space of ease and also raw and open opportunity for the deepest sexual healing we could ever have imagined for ourselves. And possibly for those that witness us too.
I look forward to my journey moving forward, of further harmonization within myself, and in aligning with a new partner in true Divine Union and expression. While now knowing that whoever this man is, that he is also an opportunity for any additional wounds being called to the surface for healing and integration, through more conscious awareness, and not misunderstood eroticization. But also that he will be a reflection and celebration of all of the healing and transformations I have carried myself through so far. And that will truly be something glorious to experience and to exalt to.
Stacy Walker is an embodied Oracle, Akashic Records Reader and Teacher. She currently lives in Jacksonville, Florida where she is actively working with the Ley Lines in the area. Working with clients remotely primarily through zoom, as a Quantum Healer distance isn’t an issue, nor is time, these initiations, activations and healings are infinite and are just as effective as receiving in person. A Session with her provides tremendous insights, understanding and support. You are held by your Guides, and provided with what you are needing most in that moment. Coming away from your session with a greater understanding of many areas of your life and experiences, plus tools to further support your journey. Her primary mission is empowerment, through her Online Courses and Services, every individual can unlock their highest potential, and anchor in their own Souls Purpose and Personal Power.
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Want some more good reads about personal empowerment? Try these: The First Pillar: Whole-Self Love [Part 1- Personal Empowerment Overview] Take Your Power Back I Said YES to Me!